He believes in Santa Claus.
He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.
He is Santa Claus!"; jokeArray[jokeArray.length] = "The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, \"Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?\"
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, \"They won't let me fart.\""; jokeArray[jokeArray.length] = "An astronaut graduated near the bottom of his class. On his first mission into space, he was teamed up with a monkey. They each got an envelope that they were to open once they got into orbit, with instructions for their mission.
Once they had blasted off and were in space, the monkey opened his envelope, read the instructions, and began flicking buttons and hitting switches.
The astronaut opened up his own envelope and found a note that read: \"Feed the monkey.\""; jokeArray[jokeArray.length] = "Quick wit:
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft............... Today, it's called golf.
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know \"why\" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper, then .... Oh my goodness you forgot to pull your zipper down!
If you jog in a jogging suit, lounge in lounging pajamas, and smoke in a smoking jacket, WHY would anyone want to wear a windbreaker??
And best of all.... I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top."; jokeArray[jokeArray.length] = "Even if you're not a grandparent you will enjoy this. A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation.
One child wrote the following:
We always spend our vacation with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big, brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people.
They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.
They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.
There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.
At their gate there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.
My grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how.
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds.
Some of the people can't get past the man in the dollhouse to go out, so the ones who get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck.
My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded one day, too.
When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the dollhouse. Then I'll let people out so they can visit their grandchildren."; jokeArray[jokeArray.length] = "A blonde named Pam is appearing on \"Who Wants To Be A Millionaire\" with Regis Philbin.
Regis: \"Pam, you're up to $500,000 with one lifeline left: phone a friend. If you get it right, the next question is worth one million dollars If you get it wrong, you drop back to $32,000. Are you ready?\"
Pam: \"Yes.\"
Regis: \"Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush.\"
Pam: \"I'd like to phone a friend. I'd like to call Carol.\"
Carol (also a blonde) answers the phone: \"Hello?\"
Regis: \"Hello Carol, it's Regis Philbin from Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I have your friend Pam here who needs your help to answer the one million dollar question. The next voice you hear will be Pam's...\"
Pam: \"Carol, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush.\"
Carol: \"Oh geez, Pam. That's simple. It's a cuckoo.\"
Pam: \"Are you sure?\"
Carol: \"I'm sure.\"
Regis: \"Pam, you heard Carol. Do you keep the $500,000 or play for the million?\"
Pam: \"I want to play; I'll go with C) cuckoo.\"
Regis: \"Is that your final answer?\"
Pam: \"Yes.\"
Regis: \"Are you confident?\"
Pam: \"Yes; I think Carol's pretty smart.\"
Regis: \"You said C) cuckoo, and you're right! Congratulations, you have just won one million dollars!\"
To celebrate, Pam flies Carol to New York. That night they go out on the town. As they're sipping champagne, Pam looks at Carol and asks her, \"Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?\"
\"That's easy, everybody knows they live in clocks.\""; jokeArray[jokeArray.length] = "This is good, with a kicker at the end - weez
Dear Ma and Pa:
Am well. Hope you are. Tell brother Walt and brother Elmer the Army beats working for Old Man Minch a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 AM, but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things - no hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave, but it is not bad, they git warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, beef, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again.
It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on \"route marches,\" which, the Sgt. says, are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A \"route march\" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys all get sore feet and we ride back in trucks.
The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sgt. is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Colonels and Generals just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none. This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bull's-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to join before other fellows get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Gail
P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 for the barn roof and Ma's teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good.";
jokeArray[jokeArray.length] = "Catholic Holy Dictionary
(contributed by Louise)
AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three notes higher than that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
JONAH: The original \"Jaws\" story.
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own
KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER: 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO.
2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman
USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew."; jokeArray[jokeArray.length] = "\"for the paranoid amongst us\"
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Please try the following:
If you typed the page address in the Address bar, make sure that it is spelled correctly. Check for black helicopters, surveillance vans or men in black suits. If none are found, click the Refresh button to try again. If the problem persists, or you see any of the above, wear your tinfoil hat to avoid mind-altering rays. Click the Back button to try another link.
HTTP 404 - Page not found Paranoia Information Services
Technical Information (for support personnel)
More information on conspiracy theories at Spook Central: Snopes You are person number s=\"na\"\;c=\"na\"\;j=\"na\"\;f=\"\"+escape(document.referrer) s=screen.width\;v=navigator.appName if (v != \"Netscape\") {c=screen.colorDepth} else {c=screen.pixelDepth} j=navigator.javaEnabled() function pr(n) {document.write(n,\"\n\")\;} NS2Ch=0 if (navigator.appName == \"Netscape\" && navigator.appVersion.charAt(0) == \"2\") {NS2Ch=1} if (NS2Ch == 0) { r=\"&size=\"+s+\"&colors=\"+c+\"&referer=\"+f+\"&java=\"+j+\"\" pr(\"<\/A>\")} 8,675,390 who could not find this page"; jokeArray[jokeArray.length] = "Guys Turn!!
Please note these are all numbered #1 ON PURPOSE!!!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! We'll get it for you, but just LET US KNOW WHAT YOU WANT!!!!!!!
1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on the calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress.
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. Please pick one.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for seventeen months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Let us know about that funny noise in your car engine as soon as you hear it.
1. Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after seven days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer, but we still love you.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways make you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whinning to your girlfriends.
1. All men see in only 16 colors. like Windows default settings. Peach for example is a fruit. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what Mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. WE ARE NOT MIND READERS AND WE NEVER WILL BE. OUR LACK OF MIND-READING ABILITY IS NOT PROOF OF HOW LITTLE WE CARE ABOUT YOU.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say \"nothing\" we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really, YOU LOOK FINE.
1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz togither. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
1. NASCAR is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
1. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.
Signed,
ANY GUY";
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